Hindi Jokes and English jokes
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Very Funny Jokes
Sardar Ji: Hamne Mobile Marriage Bureau shuru kiya hai: "Rishtey k liye 1 dabaye, Mangni k liye 2 dabye, Shadi k liye 3 dabye."
Man: Hum Dusri Shadi k liye kya dabaun?
Sardar Ji: Dusri shadi k liye pehle wali ka gala dabye ..!
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Bhongasing ek ped per chadh Gaye.
Upar baithey Monkey ne poocha: Upar kyon aaye?
Bhongasing: Apple khane.
Monkey: Yeh to aam ka ped hai.
Bhongasing: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hun.
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Saas bahu -
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Saas (bahu se): Bhagwan ne tumhe 2-2 aankhe di. Chawal me se 2-4 pathhar nahi nikal sakti kya.
Bahu: Very funny! Bhagwan ne tumhe 32 daant diye 2-4 pathhar bhi nahi chaba sakti ?
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Makan maalik joke
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Desi Maalik Makaan: OK, mein tumko kiraya dene ke liye aur 3 din ki mohlat deta hun.
Kirayedar: Theek hai ji, mein Diwali, Holi aur Chrismas ke 3 din select karta hoon.
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Lalu ji aur obama
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Lalu ji ek mahina obama ke pas se engish ki training lekar vaps aaye
ek din unhe ek call aaya. lalu ji bole "Who is speaking?". jawab aaya "Hum Sasura Obama bol raha hun".
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Girl -boy
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Boy: Tu Dharti Pe Chahe Jahan Bhi Rahe Gi,
Tujhe Teri Khushbu Se Pehchan Loonga...
Girl: Mujhe Pehle Se Pata Tha, Tum Kuttay Ho...
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Good newz
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Dad:result ka kya hua
Son: Dad, ek good news hai aur aik bad news
Dad:good news bata.
Son : mai pass ho gya.
Dad : great, aur bad news.
Son:good news galat hai.
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Patient doctor
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Ek operation ke baad patient bola:
'doctor sahab Kya ab main aap logo se mukt hu?'
Beta doctor to neeche reh gye, main to Yamraj hun!!!!
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Advocate -husband aur talak
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husband-talak lena hai,
advocate-talak lene ke liye 5000rp lagenge,
husband-pagal ho kya?pandit ne 51rp me shadi kari thi.
advocate-dekh liye na saste ka Natija!!
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Girlfriend ki shadi
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Girlfriend (boyfriend se): Ab hame shaadi kar leni chahiye.
Boyfriend: Voh to theek hai... par hum se shaadi karega koun?
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Waiter
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Waiter-Apne samose aur pakodon ko andar se kha liya, lekin bahar ka saara chhod diya! Aisa kyon?Customer-Kyonki doctor ne kaha hai, bahar ka khaana mat khao..
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Santa banta
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Santa : matlbi dost se bach kar raho.
Banta : magar matlbe dost ka pta kaise chalega. Santa=simple,sare dosto ko msg karojo reply na de samjah lo wo hi matlbi hai.
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--banta ---------santa----------
Banta dairy likh raha tha
"aaj meri behan ko baccha hone wala hai pata nahi ladka hoga ya ladki,
isliye mujhe ye bhi pata nahi ki me mama banunga ya mami".
Biwi ko padhaunga
Santa : pehle me apni biwi ko BA karwaunga fir MA fir Phd karwaunga fir badiya si naukri dilwaunga.
Banta : fir acha sa rishta dekh k uski shaadi bhi krwa diyo.
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Cigarette
santa apne father k samne cigrate pi raha tha
Logon ne kaha ke aap apne father ke samne cigratte pi rahay ho?
Santa bola : Wo mera father hai, koi petrol pump thodi.
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Imagine
Interviewer : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?
Santa : Simple, Stop imagining.
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Santa fell out
Q: Why did Santa fall out the window ?
A: He was ironing the curtain
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Brake fail
Santa Ki Biwi : O ji Car ki speed itani kyo badha di..?
Santa : Are Banoo Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, To accident ho jaye iske pehele ghar pahunch jaate hai.
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Banta fell in love
Banta fell in love with a porno star and married her. He got an opportunity to watch one of her movie.... the Movie came to an End.
A bit disturbed and annoyed with what he saw, Banta told himself, "Thank God it was just a movie and not reality."
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Fighting
santa banta were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
santa : This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
santa: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
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The Plane Ride
Santa traveling 1st time in plane going to BOMBAY,
while landing, he shouted : "BOMBAY-BOMBAY",
air hostess : " B-silent please ",
santa said : " OMBAY - OMBAY.....!!!!!!!! "
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Santa's Underwear
Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.
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Nishana
Banta : Praji, Jab Main Paida Hua Tha To Military Walon Ne 21 Topein Chalayeen Thi.
Santa : Kamaal Hai ! Sab Ka Nishana Kayse Chook Gaya ..?
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Santa ka Matlab
Santa meets his friend Bunta
Santa : A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B...!
Bunta : Oye, Iska Matlab ?
Santa : Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..!
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Speed Breaker
Santa : Drinking-n-Driving Dono Nalo Naal Nai Ho Sakde.
Banta : Kyoo Ji ?
Santa : Je SpeedBbreaker Aa Gaya Taa Peg Dul Jau.
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Phone Ki Ganti
Santa : Phone Mere Liye Ho To Kehna Mein Ghar Pe Nahin Hoon.
Jasmeet : Wo Ghar Pe Hain.
Santa : Maine Mana Kiya Tha Ke...
Jasmeet : Phone Mere Liye Tha!
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Awaaz
Santa : Aapne Nurse Bahut Changi Rakhi Hai, Uska Haath Lagtey Hi Mein Theek Ho Gaya.
Doctor: Jaanta Hoon, Thappad Ki Awaaz Mujhe Bhi Sunai Di Thi.
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Lucky santa
Santa : Oh Yaar Main Badi Mushkil Mein Hoon...Meri Biwi Mujhse Ek Pappi Ka Ek Rupeya Leti Hai..!
Banta : Oh Yaar Tu Bada Lucky Hai, Auron Se To Woh 5 Rupye Leti Hai.
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Dost Hi Dost Ke Kam aata hai
Santa : Yaar! Main Apna Purse Ghar Bhool Aaya, Mainu 1000 Rs Chahide Si.
Banta : Dost Hi Dost De Ka
■English jokes- •doctor jokes•○°○••°●
Patient:Doctor,I feel so sick I want to die!
Doctor: Don't worry, Just leave that job to me.
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
A dentist’s patient was grumbling about the fee. “Two hundred rupees for pulling out a tooth!,” she exclaimed. “And it’s only a minute’s work.”
“Well, if you wish,” the dentist said, “I’ll it out slowly.”
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn’t go near them!
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice?
Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By cheaque, money order, or cash.”
Lady to the doctor over the phone. “ Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it. “
Doctor:” Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
Lady: “ Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.”
Man: "Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"
Doctor: "Why?"
Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it."
A man visited a headmaster who was playing chess with his dog. "Your dog must be must be very intelligent," said the man.
"Not really," said the headmaster. "I've won three games out of four."
Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
"Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?"
"Try to resist the temptation but if you can't, get me a new television"
PATIENT:-DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING,GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.
DOCTOR:-TAKE THIS SLIP TO THE MEDICAL SHOP
PATIENT:-IF I USE THIS MEDICINE,I CAN SOLVE THIS ITCHING.
DOCTOR:-I GAVE THIS FOR GROWING YOUR NAILS FOR SCRATCHING.
Patient:Why does everyone ignore me?
Doctor:Next Please!!!!!!
Patient:"I want to live doctor when should I take the medicine".
Doctor:"So remember to take the medicine exactly before you feel the pain".
One day a man saw a beggar on the street. He went to him and said "If you stop begging I will pay you Rs 1000 per month".
In reply the bigger said "Come and beg with me and I will pay you Rs5000 per month
A boy to the doctor,"Doctor, Doctor I have lost my memory."
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The boy said,"When did what happen?"
Patient:Doctor!Doctor!One of my eyes is different from the other!
Doctor:Really,which one
Docter: what is your problem?
Patient: I have only one Problem in my life, that is ,when I walk my legs are not joined ,it is always one forwards and one backwards.
Man : Doctor, whenever I drink my coffee,I get a sharp pain in my eye.What should I do?
Doctor : Just remove the spoon from your cup.
Man in Delhi:I have a severe foot ache.
Doctor after examining says-"You should walk for 4 km everyday".
After a month the doctor receives a call from the same patient saying,"I am now in Agra, how much more should I walk?"
Patient: Doctor, i see double
Doctor:sit on the chair please
Patient:which one
patient:doctor,i've lost my memory. doctor:when did this happen?
patient:when did what happen?
Did you hear about the man who ate 106 cloves of garlic a day?
He was taken to hospital in a coma. Poor thing, the doctor said it was from inhaling his own breath!!!
PATIENT:Doctor,Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me.
DOCTOR :Next please.
Doctor:tell me how many fingers are these?
Patient:thirteen.
Doctor :I don't understand your eyes are weak or your arithmetic?
once,before an operation of a patient the doctor was holding a garland in his hands.
Patient:Doctor why are you holding a garland in your hand? Doctor:If the operation is successful, i will wear it to myself or a failure i wear it for you
Once a patient went to the Doctor and said,"my hair is falling .Can u give me anything to keep it in?"
So,then the doctor said, yes u can have a poly thin bag.
What is a definition of a doctor? A person who kills the problem in your bod
■Pathan Jokes-●•○●•○●●•□•●○○°●●
Yaar
Pathan: Mera yaar aaya hai chai to bana do.
Wife:
Mein nahi bana rahi.
Pathan
Bana de jab tera yaar aaye ga to mein b bana doonga.
Pathan Ka Challange
Pathan ny challange kiya k
Woh minar-e-pakistan ko apne sar par utha kar peshawar ja sakta hai.
Hazaron log ikthay ho gaye...
Pathan bola: bus isey utha kar mere sar par rakho tum...!!
Khwab
Pathan ne oxford universty mein 1st Rank Me Aaya. News channel walu ne pucha..
Ab Aaghe Kya Karoge ?
Pathan : bachpan se ek khwab Dekha Hai apna tandoor Center kholu ga...
To Main Batata..
Ek Kutta pathan k piche laggaya
Pathan Gussey me Bolta howa bhaga
Khocha agar tere Bap ka Hakumat nahi hota to tujhe Batata???
Akl
Boy : Maine Suna hai is Ghar Mein Jin Bhot aur Rohain Rehti Hy
Pathan : pta Nai
Mje to Khud Mare Hue 8 Sal Hogye
Moral: pathano ko marne k bad B akal nae ati
Pathan Ka Pyar
Pathan (in romantic mood) :Tum meri zindgi ho!!
Wife : aur kaho achcha lag raha hai!!
Pathan : aur LANAT hai aisi zindagi pe!!!!!
Baap Ka Naam ''Google Khan''
Teacher: tumhare baap ka kia naam ha??
Pathan: Google Khan
Teacher: ye kia naam hoa bhla!!
Pathan: ham jahan marzi hon wo mujhe dhond leta ha....
Eid mubarak
Pathan ko gali me para 100 ka note mila,
Jis pe likha tha
“EiD MUBARAK”
Pathan ne chup k se note jeib me rakhte huye kaha
“KHER MUBARAK.
Kangal Pathan
ek Pathan kangal ho gya to us ny apni Bivi se kaha
bachon ko un k nanky bhej do
AuR tum apni ammi k ghar chali jao
Mera Allah malik
Main apny susral chala jata ho
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